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panic in Rome

It was two years ago, July, summer. I was sitting on the grass at Villa Borghese, cross legged with a book in my lap. The heat was stultifying and I was wearing as little clothing as I could realistically get away with in public. My hair was stuck to my neck and I was sipping from a waterbottle while reading through a "Guide to Europe" book.

I had a year stretching ahead of me and only a few weeks of it were solid, looming out of the emptiness like words floating in a vast universe... volunteering in July, La Tomatina in August, London for Christmas, New York for February, home sometime around April. The rest was....what? I had to determinedly avert my thoughts from a sense of panic.

I remember thinking at the time that I felt like I was standing on top of a very, very high diving board, blindfolded, with only my faith to tell me that there was water in the pool below. I dithered for a bit, then took a breath, opened a page of the book, liked the sound of a town called "Matera", and headed off into my adventure.

There were more moments like that, when I'd wake during that hour of the morning that doesn't exist on the clock (sometime between 3 and 4, there is a second midnight when the witches really do come out, and Alice's Wonderland is just around the corner) and I'd realise how far away I was from home. But that first moment, in Rome in the summer in a garden in the daytime, was the one that has stayed in my memory and that I am proudest to have overcome.

My life right now is a little like that moment in Rome, A lot of choices facing me and nobody else to tell me where to go. This time, however, it's the exhilaration without too much of the fear. I've trodden enough paths real and imaginary that I am confident in my footing, even as I am gaining the wisdom to be less certain of the destination.

I'm still a little trepidatious, but when I look back on my journey of two years ago, I feel satisfied and proud of the way I chose to travel and the places I chose to visit. And really, what is life but an extension of that trip?

A very wise man (ok - I'm pretty sure it's Dr Phill but let's not ruin the mood) says that the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. With that in mind, I'm stepping forward to the next stage - willing to let it reveal itself as I go, trusting that I will be up to the challenge.

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